the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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