I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
