I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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