There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
