does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
