I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
