That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
