he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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