He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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