I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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