i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
