He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
