her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
