I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
