Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
