I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
