Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You're like the curious george of whores
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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