Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
