it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
