What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
