did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
