I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Randomize
