I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
