how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
