I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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