I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
