He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
