goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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