The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
