I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
