I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
