Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
