drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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