Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
ttyl tear gas
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
