seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
