I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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