Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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