So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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