i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
