I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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