Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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