This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
