he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
