3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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