More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
