Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
