i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
