so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we made out on top of his cat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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