lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
