tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
